Debbie downer, maybe?

Sitting in front of a computer all day is hard.  Everyday that’s all I do and it’s becoming a bit overwhelming.  I’m not good at a desk all day; I get easily distracted, I fall asleep, I have too much time on my hands thinking about whether I made the right decision, or how regretful I feel that I allowed boys and emotions to interfere with the success of the one thing I can remember that made me continuously happy.

 I’m trying not to indulge these thoughts too much, so I interrupt them with tasks on my things to do lists and internet research on topics like media reform, elections, economies, and world peace (really it’s just the precursor to another world war.)  Debbie downer maybe…sorry.

 But the worst part of this is I’m putting on weight.

Intentionally or not, I’m putting on weight; I’m trying to console myself through this weight gain by saying at least it is going to my butt, and my butt is mirroring more of an ethnic girl then it has in the past.  But really it’s not much consolation.

 I am tired of these reflections still having so much doubt and negativity coming out through them.  I want my breakthrough and I want it now!!!  Truthfully I don’t have time to be feeling like this; too much is at stake this program is already three months in, when, where am I going to feel settled?

 

I’m done.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for indulging my self-deprecating diatribe.  I’m over it. 

 This is hard.  Nothing worth having is meant to be easy.  Struggle is real.  I know this, because the last three years I was blessed to go on my own exploration to the Mecca of me.  The last three years I have had freedom to explore love of self, family, community, and world.  I got to study intensely on philosophies of life and culture.  I practiced yoga three times a day; my body was levitating!  And I learned through that metamorphosis that nothing worth having comes without struggle.

 I got to experience a freedom very few people have the luxury of knowing.  I pray all of you get to have an opportunity like that, it is meant to restore the soul and prepare you for the journey ahead.  I guess I needed this moment of doubt and frustration to remind me of how blessed I am.   Not just to have employment and a phenomenal program that is enhancing my professional development, but to know and realize that I was chosen to do this work; I was ordained to be here.

 I know now what makes me happy; teaching yoga makes me happy and I would do it for free (in fact I have done it for free), but this work is sacrifice.  It’s taking me beyond and further of my comfort zone to ensure that my cost for living this phenomenal life is paid through my service to humanity.  It is my life’s work, and I am thankful for this distinction, but do know I will put in my time, and do this work with love and selflessness, but when I have achieved a financial stability and life style that can be sustained (or a wealthy husband), I am going to live my dream as a full-time yoga teacher and do philanthropy on the side!

 I love and appreciate all of you and I am so grateful that I get to experience this year of growth with you all.

 Can’t wait to see you in my neck of the woods!!! 

Peace and love!