Go Big or Go Home

 I want to reflect a bit about last week's staff retreat at Proteus. If I took nothing away from it, then this is a unique and dynamic mix of diverse thoughtful perspectives brought together under ingenious leadership to tackle the issues of humanity, today and in the future, then I the better for it.

Breath taking. We sat on Thursday listening to four very strategic and sustaining capacity building, public awareness and advocacy campaigns around issues of campaign finance, protection of independent media and free press, civil marriage equality, and abolishing the death penalty.

Having a chance to hear about the wins of Proteus you begin to glean the commonalities of their work. The research and convening of thought leaders, the investment in long term strategy and capacity building, and the audacious intuitions to be change agents when the moment for change presents itself. It was amazing and appealing.

I've often wondered in the grass root spaces I've dwelt in, if these types of strategies and campaigns existed on a macro level; were there 30,000 ft perspectives beings used to address these great systemic inequalities, and now I know. I exist within it, at Proteus.

Having this vantage point motivates me beyond just being here to do all that I must in order to contribute to that change. I've proven that I can get here, now I must prove that I can stay here and be a valued asset.

After the retreat I went to Philly for the weekend. I am realizing that I am going down there a lot and will slow down my travels soon to enjoy this fabulous New England autumn, but there are a number of obligations to family and friends I have that I must fulfill. Although while in Philly I ran into an old acquaintance, someone I knew mainly in passing, but who I found intriguing. We stopped and talked and realized that there's great potential for a budding friendship. I love the irony of course, now that I don't live in Philly, I've quite possible found my prince...time will tell...we will see...

Or maybe his arrival came right at the moment I needed romantic endorphins to shield me from the pain of tearing the bottom of my right foot open! Sunday morning I stepped on a nail in my mentor's home and had to travel all day back to Northampton, with a bleeding and soon becoming infected foot.

Thankfully people at Proteus are so kind and concerned; Amber asked as to why I was limping and I told her, and she said I hope you got a tetanus shot?

"Yeah, no"

- "Girl, you need to go the doctor!"

Obediently I went and Lord am I grateful; I not only got the tetanus shot, but a doctor was able to look at it, clean it out, and instructed me on keeping it clean for healing.

This week has been good so far, a little slow, not many people in the office. I am working more closely with the staff of MDF, getting their feedback as we progress through the survey collection, and now data analysis. Which I feel far more comfortable with since reaching out to people for tutorials and support with using excel. Amber shared once with me the importance of knowing how to use excel to be an effective program officer, being able to crunch your own numbers for data analysis, is a very asset.

So I've been quite determined to identify those I've observed who not only are good with excel, but use it on a daily basis in their work. Ferdene, the finance person at Proteus, was that valuable support and she took time out of her busy schedule to give me that one on one support. I'm also very thankful for my fellow cohorts, Linda and Alexandra, selflessly supplying yeses to my request for help in understanding this software better.

Beyond this much needed and appreciated support I have also been challenged though my goals on my workplan to work consciously and strategically on my communication and presentation. As not to bore you with the details, I am charged with being able to communicate in more succinct and concise ways (sans our reflections, I hope).

This challenge represents a continued theme in my professional development, being able to produce at a higher level beyond my mere presence. Again, being here in this fellowship is not enough for me, especially since I want to be here on my own terms, but now I must prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm willing to go big or go home.

Can't wait to see ya'll tomorrow, and I look forward to a lively conversation on yesterday's presidential debate.

Peace and love,

JKW

Debbie downer, maybe?

Sitting in front of a computer all day is hard.  Everyday that’s all I do and it’s becoming a bit overwhelming.  I’m not good at a desk all day; I get easily distracted, I fall asleep, I have too much time on my hands thinking about whether I made the right decision, or how regretful I feel that I allowed boys and emotions to interfere with the success of the one thing I can remember that made me continuously happy.

 I’m trying not to indulge these thoughts too much, so I interrupt them with tasks on my things to do lists and internet research on topics like media reform, elections, economies, and world peace (really it’s just the precursor to another world war.)  Debbie downer maybe…sorry.

 But the worst part of this is I’m putting on weight.

Intentionally or not, I’m putting on weight; I’m trying to console myself through this weight gain by saying at least it is going to my butt, and my butt is mirroring more of an ethnic girl then it has in the past.  But really it’s not much consolation.

 I am tired of these reflections still having so much doubt and negativity coming out through them.  I want my breakthrough and I want it now!!!  Truthfully I don’t have time to be feeling like this; too much is at stake this program is already three months in, when, where am I going to feel settled?

 

I’m done.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for indulging my self-deprecating diatribe.  I’m over it. 

 This is hard.  Nothing worth having is meant to be easy.  Struggle is real.  I know this, because the last three years I was blessed to go on my own exploration to the Mecca of me.  The last three years I have had freedom to explore love of self, family, community, and world.  I got to study intensely on philosophies of life and culture.  I practiced yoga three times a day; my body was levitating!  And I learned through that metamorphosis that nothing worth having comes without struggle.

 I got to experience a freedom very few people have the luxury of knowing.  I pray all of you get to have an opportunity like that, it is meant to restore the soul and prepare you for the journey ahead.  I guess I needed this moment of doubt and frustration to remind me of how blessed I am.   Not just to have employment and a phenomenal program that is enhancing my professional development, but to know and realize that I was chosen to do this work; I was ordained to be here.

 I know now what makes me happy; teaching yoga makes me happy and I would do it for free (in fact I have done it for free), but this work is sacrifice.  It’s taking me beyond and further of my comfort zone to ensure that my cost for living this phenomenal life is paid through my service to humanity.  It is my life’s work, and I am thankful for this distinction, but do know I will put in my time, and do this work with love and selflessness, but when I have achieved a financial stability and life style that can be sustained (or a wealthy husband), I am going to live my dream as a full-time yoga teacher and do philanthropy on the side!

 I love and appreciate all of you and I am so grateful that I get to experience this year of growth with you all.

 Can’t wait to see you in my neck of the woods!!! 

Peace and love!