I...

need to be honest about who I am.
I am very arrogant, controlling, obnoxious, and I can't spell very well.

I can be aggressive and condescending. I
like to appear to have everything under control,
when I don't.

I am self conscious and want to please.
I have many faults and its hard to
admit.

One thing that is not hard for me is
my love for you and I know I do many
things that challenge that, but in my
heart of hearts I know you are the one
for me.

And it might just be that I don't
deserve you and all that you are
ordained to be, but I am going to
try my damnest to be worthy.

Its just that sometimes I am unsure
of your interest and attraction, and I want to
be someone that you are proud to be with...
but I'm guessing at your intentions. I don't know

I do know that I want to be vulnerable with you.
I need the type of love and support that I can depend upon from
the very best friend that I love. I need you. I value you. I...

Things To Do (August 1, 2005)

• Call Ken for copy place information
• Make Certificates
• Make pictures for gifts
• Do a dry run of the slide show
• Get gift certificates
• Wash t-shirts / wash my clothes as well
• Clean car out
• Make programs for Thursday
• Do intern of the week
• Get supplies for cooking and afternoon activity
• Get receipt from Jasmine for transpass
• Call Ms. Emma to increase the food order
• Buy groceries
• Call Triple A in Peoria
• Email last weeks numbers
• Remember they are coming Tuesday to do evaluations (1:30pm)
• Go to Best Buy and get CDRs to copy pictures
• Call Traffic Court
• Cancel PGW and PECO
• Send email to PFS about performance
• Assign seating in the auditorium for finale
• Call to get Jacob's number
• Have interns start breaking down their rooms on Wed.
• Get paper (card stock)

"Excuse me...Sir?"

What are your intentions with me, dear sir?
I feel it my duty as the sole executor of my heart to inquire on how you intend to proceed with me.
Now my natural inclination when presented with such appealing options is to allow my heart to flourish within the attraction and give it free reign to do as it was designed to do.
But if your intentions are not pure in its natural state of existence, giving your heart permission to commune with my own, then I must, in great haste, encast my heart in it's protective covering until it encounters the heart it was designed to love.
I look forward to your response.
12-14-08

You and I (Dec. 13, 2008)

When did you leave heaven?
- When I saw you.
Why did you choose me?
- Because you were designed to love me.
Tell me how I am suppose to love you?
- By allowing your spirit, heart, mind, and body to lead us.
What do I know of these?
- You'll allow your Creator to guide you.
Where is He going to take us?
- To the door of humanity.
Who is He going to let in?
- You and I

September 2, 2005

I don't want to be constantly complaining or existing in a state of confusion and uncertainty, but there are many contradictions existing within me right now.
I am still grappling with my reflections on the summer.

What did I do wrong?
Why was there such resistance to my authority?
And was I not modeling the Freedom School way by not using positive language?
I know that we had challenges this year from food to room and building access, and lack of supplies and books, but I'm unsure about this breakdown between myself and the staff.

I'm sure it could have stemmed from different variables. I did not go to national training, my participation in local training was limited (due more to my choice), and I do feel that I was pretty despondent throughout the summer.

My discontent must have been evident through my disinterest in their concerns, be them valid or not.

Amy and Leah said my presence had decreased from last year, but that was due more to allowing the site coordinator to lead and run his/her site. I don't know yet how I use this information and reflection for positive change.

I think all of us who returned were greatly effected by the changes at national training on various levels, and it left a residue of foul proportions.

Changes are difficult when you go through them and some things are able to with stand the strain and others just succumb under the pressure. But in these changes it is important to remember the need for balance and to acknowledge the good that exist.

What I am taking from the interns' reflection is although they experienced some challenges they were able to bond together and forge relationships that benefited them all.

I still need time to reflect on all of this and be directed into the lesson and growth that is to be taken away from this experience. But in the meantime I want to put their essays together and do something with them. What I'm not sure, but hopefully that will come out of the lesson and growth I am to go through.

I do have a little fear that there won't be a lesson or growth...I can't have that thought. In everything is a lesson for betterment in good and not so good times.

August 25, 2005

I had a conversation with Karla. Very interesting. She ultimately said that this position was beneath my skill level. That I might become bored.
I thought about it and am thinking about it...and she is right.
She said that I should not rush into anything. That I should look around and look into advocacy if that is what I wanted.
She told me that I should speak with Varsovia if I'm interested in advocacy.
She was very supportive and offered a great ear.

Things To Do (July 25, 2005)

• Pay parking tickets
• Pick up travel reimburstment form
• Buy meatballs and more Italian bread
• Go to PT @ 1:30pm
• Do my timesheet
• Pick up Rental Car
• Buy sunblock and go to walgreens, walmart
• Cook food for staff
• Get food from warehouse
• Get information for beach trip
• Finish closing ceremony schedule
• Go through the permission slips and identify how many chaperones we have
• Get push carts - one from Beacon and PFS
• Get Tuna Fish